Music schools are an unequivocal good in our society. Of this, there can be no doubt.
After all, without the ever-present, watchful eye of the big brother music school, people might start to get the Wrong Idea™ about what music is good and what music is bad. And we wouldn’t want the plebeians, with all their foolish caprices, get to decide what they do and don’t like. Who are they to own their own minds?
Besides, think of all the people you know who have graduated music school. Every single one of them, without exception, is a wonderful and mature person who can handle difficult situations with dignity and tact. They effortlessly work and deliberate with people of all different backgrounds, making everything run more smoothly than before they got there. Never has there ever been a music school graduate who was scarcely more than an overgrown child, insisting that they get their way at the expense of everyone else’s health and sanity. In fact, I think that Jesus would agree that in our day and age, the parable of the good Samaritan might well be replaced with the parable of the good music school graduate.
Indeed, the benefits that the bureaucratic, centralized, and government-funded music schools have on our society can hardly be overstated.
It would be well for us, therefore, to examine the practices of music schools as they are currently constituted, to see if we can learn any lessons from them.
Let’s begin:
Even for inexperienced observers, one of the first things that you will notice is a priority for music schools—so paramount that even the learning of music itself is subordinated to it—is the ubiquitous effort to stamp out creativity wherever it happens to pop up.
In fact, before the students even sit down in their classes to begin learning, they’re taught to stamp it out whenever they see it in their peers. This delegation makes it easier on the professors, who then won’t have to spend hours and hours chasing down every instance of creativity with a metaphorical fire extinguisher and/or wet blanket.
Next, the music schools try to intravenously drip creativity back into their students on starving rations, heavily dilute it with propaganda, and finish it off with a heroic dose of self-loathing.
Now, before we go further, you might be thinking to yourself: “wait a second, if music schools want to stamp out creativity, why are they then feeding it back to the students on starving rations?”
This is, you see, because the goal isn’t to stamp out creativity completely.
No, sir.
The goal is to control creativity.
In other words, to micro-manage and attempt to enslave the human spirit—a noble and benevolent enterprise, no doubt.
So! In the spirit of encouraging you to behave more like music schools so you can be an unequivocal good in our society as well, here are the 5 best ways to murder creativity.
1. Never ever admit that you don’t know something.
Especially if you're In Charge™.
If you ever admit that you don’t know something, you’ll have to deal with troublesome emotions like embarrassment. And you’re so busy that you couldn’t possibly be realistically expected to mature enough to deal with things like that in a tactful way.
And secondly, any potential upsides like learning something new or getting closer to understanding the truth are just extremely unlikely to happen. You’ve got a Ph.D™ after all. What could you possibly not understand?
Besides, what are these plebeians doing trying to correct you anyway! The arrogance.
Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, admitting that you don’t know something would certainly threaten your position of being In Charge™. How could the serfs possibly know to acquiesce to your authority if you’re constantly paying homage to silly, impertinent things like the pursuit of truth?
And then for everyone else who isn’t In Charge™, but aspires to be, the best way to eventually get there is to ass-kiss and brown-nose your way into the position. And as your friendly neighborhood narcissist will almost certainly let you know (though they never say these things out loud), imitation is the highest form of flattery.
So you’d better start practicing your ego-inflation techniques stat, ‘cause you’re gonna need ‘em for all of the gaslighting and superciliousness you’re about to be doing to avoid having to admit you were wrong.
Obsequious? No, I’ve never heard of that word. What’s that mean?
2. Shame others and yourself if they don’t already know stuff that should be perfectly obvious to anyone who’s a Serious Student of Music™.
Because if you know it, and all of your friends know it that you’ve spent your entire life with and have never deviated from each other’s educational paths, then anyone that doesn’t know it clearly isn’t taking their education seriously like you and your friends.
Thinking that there is any other conceivable knowledge path to becoming a successful musician is backwards and deplorable. Everyone learns the alphabet starting at A and proceeding to Z. Only hicks, weirdos, saxophonists, and charlatans know letters like L and M without knowing B and C first.
What’s that you say? Learning music isn’t necessarily like learning the alphabet? What makes me so sure that I know what should come first when learning music? What’s the big deal with learning something else first and then backtracking later?
Pish posh. Pish posh, I say!
The big deal is that I know something you don’t so I’m going to rub it in your face so I can feel like I’m better than you.
Whoops, did I say that out loud?
Besides, everyone knows that we learn by repetition, and echo-chambering yourself and all your friends is just another example of this tried and true method of indoctrination propaganda mind-control learning!
3. Compare yourself to others.
Now, I know that comparing yourself to others gets a lot of flack, but I think it’s unwarranted.
If you really want to get better, the only way to accurately measure your skills is by evaluating how you stack up compared to all of your peers.
Now, I don’t want anyone thinking that you could possibly compare yourself to an objective standard of “goodness.” This is absurd.
Bias is an inextricable fact of the human psyche, and can’t possibly be suspended in order to apprehend the truth. Not even if you suspend your bias and look at things objectively can you look at things objectively. No, that’s not a contradictio in adjecto.
We can’t rely on our comparisons to an objective standard of “goodness.” Because of bias. And that’s why we have to rely on our comparisons to other people. Because it’s not biased.
Do you get it now?
The things I have to explain to brainless normies, I swear. If you just shut up and did what you were told we wouldn’t have to be having this conversation.
4. Gatekeep.
Picture this:
A child walks up to you after you perform somewhere and tells you that you inspired them to learn to play your instrument.
The correct response to this is to tell that kid that they’re probably just not cut out for it. They might not have the Talent™, so they might as well just not even try.
Alternatively, tell them about how much playing music sucks, actually. So if they’re interested in not having a terrible life, they should look elsewhere for a creative outlet.
This might seem heartless, but hey. Life sucks and is unfair and is devoid of joy and happiness and also the kid might get around to stealing your gigs in a couple of decades time.
Nobody can blame you for just looking out for number one.
Scenario #2:
An adult of any age comes up to you and says that they’ve finally plucked up the courage to learn to play an instrument and they’re wondering if you can give them some beginner’s tips.
The correct response to this is to purse your lips, raise your eyebrows, and say “You sure about that, sweetheart?” in a patronizing New York accent. Proceed to give some half-assed advice and periodically continue to question their newfound desire.
Any self-respecting adult knows that time period for learning an instrument is between 3-5 years of age and if you don’t do it in that time, it’s basically just impossible.
Snooze ya lose, buddy boy.
And then lastly:
A young musician comes up to you looking for their big break. They can play, they’re game for rehearsals, they’re ready for the behind-the-scenes work that comes with the gig.
The correct answer is “No. Beat it.”
Always.
5. If you or someone else can’t learn something in first 5 seconds they try, claim that this is because they’re Untalented™ and refuse to elaborate further.
Everyone knows that only the most erudite observations happen within the first 5 seconds of something happening. Because of this, we can dismiss any further data that doesn’t corroborate our original findings with ad hoc explanations, hand-waiving, or just good old-fashioned ignoring.
Besides, we wouldn’t want to reconsider our opinions and then have to (shudder) change our minds, would we? I’m literally a zombie and the thought of changing my mind freaks even me out.
Second besides, we’ve already made up our minds about people and we couldn’t possibly give them a chance to prove themselves. What if it turns out that they’re more Qualified™ than me? Then I might lose my position!
And third besides, in the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God, and 5 seconds later, everyone knew that talent was a thing and that anyone who didn’t have it was incapable of achieving any amount of musical competency. And that’s the way it has been from the foundation of the world ‘til now and from henceforth ‘til forever and anyone who says otherwise is a quack!
Listen, I don’t make the laws of the universe. Blame God if you have a problem with them.
Final Thoughts
I hope I have disabused you of some of the notions that regular Emma has tried to instil into you through her cantankerous writings. Talk about blatant propaganda. She probably hasn’t even thought of how much more all the professors, musicologists, and teachers know than her! They certainly have better arguments and more sound reasoning, after all.
Or at least better credentials, which is basically the same thing.
And they’ve decided that the best way to become a musician is to murder all your creativity and subjugate yourself to their systems and protocols. That definitely aren’t antihuman and ascetic.
What do you mean that doesn’t sound like artistry and musicianship to you? What do you mean how can you be an artist without any of your creativity?
You must be backwards and deplorable.
Alright, well I hope you’ve enjoyed hearing from me, Zombie Emma. Perhaps I will make another appearance at a later date. Remember to stay safe, and keep your brain turned off!